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This is a repost of a piece I wrote back in September 2011. Still relevant today.
I’m ok and I am usually ok so it’s not really that I havent been ok. I’m lucky to have that sort of personality. I can’t explain it any other way. If I’m not ok, yes it would be great if people asked me, but you know what, I don’t think I’d tell them anyway. I’m not that way inclined. I think that may be the problem isn’t it?
Its great if we can ask people if they are ok but will they answer the question?
I don’t think that’s the point of this day. Initially during the previous years I didn’t tend to jump onto this initiative. It wasnt that I didn’t believe in asking people if they were ok it was more that I thought what is this? We need to be asking people “R U Ok” every day! Not just one day of the year.
I have shifted from this though as I think anything that gets us talking about mental illness, suicide prevention, psychological wellbeing, coping and not coping is important.
To reduce stigma we need to talk about it. Totally! And if that means at least one day of the year then its been a success.
I reflected and if we look at daffodil day and SIDs day which were the pioneers in designating a particularly day to raising awareness for illness and causes they have clearly made their mark. Daffodils and red noses, we all know what they relate to.
R U Ok day was first acknowledged in 2009. It was inspired by the death of Barry Larkin, Gavin Larkin’s (The founder) father by suicide.
As the website states
“Thursday 15 September, 2011 is R U OK?Day. It’s a national day of action which aims to prevent suicide by encouraging Australians to connect with someone they care about and help stop little problems turning into big ones. On that day we want everyone across the country, from all backgrounds and walks of life, to ask family, friends and colleagues: “Are you OK?”. Staying connected with others is crucial to our general health and wellbeing. Feeling isolated or hopeless can contribute to depression and other mental illnesses, which can ultimately result in suicide. Regular, meaningful conversations can protect those we know and love. It’s so simple. In the time it takes to have a coffee, you can start a conversation that could change a life.”
Back to not answering the question, I think even just the act of asking if someone is ok is drawing attention to the fact that someone doesn’t appear themselves or doesn’t look happy. Not that we have to be the happy police but I think we get the point if someone is looking despondent and is not particularly reactive.
I think what is important for me in all of this is actually tuning in. Lets focus outside of ourselves and connect to those around us.
I know its difficult we have our own problems, we have busy lives but these are EXCUSES. There is no reason in this world why we cannot connect with another human being and ask a simple question “R U Ok?”. Hey it doesn’t even have to be that. Mine is “Everything ok?”, “All good?”, “It doesn’t sound like things are going well?”
Just touching base with that person is connecting ultimately to yourself. There is theory that we are one. All interconnected. therefore if one of us isn’t doing too well, energetically and vibrationally we are not going too well either.
Whether you believe in that or not it doesn’t matter. Helping someone else I can guarantee is the best high you will get.
Have you ever felt that a person just isn’t right today? Mmm that person usually does a and b then c but today they are not doing the same? That person is acting really angry and they’re not like that. That person looked like they were on the verge of tears.
None of these people have uttered a word. You have tuned in. You have read their body language, recalled from memory their habits or traits or you have picked up on their subtle emotional energy. This is what is an important step in “R U Ok?’ day. Even if they say yes they are fine you can show them by asking, that you are caring and concerned about their wellbeing. In some cases that is enough.
Below I have provided some options to follow up:
What if they do say “Yes I am fine” and clearly they are not?
~ Let them know that you are around if they do want to talk
~ Be mindful throughout the day or weeks as to their behaviour and approach again.
~ Suggest to someone closer to them that they may need to follow up with the person
~ Provide contact numbers for places like lifeline, kids helpline or any of those listed below.
~ If you are that concerned approach family or their GP and then inform the person what you have done. Dont worry if they react badly. You would prefer a strained friendship than something more serious like death.
Answering “No, I am not fine” may be a welcome relief for them. Dont feel burdened or pressured though as you will never be alone in providing help and assistance for this person.
~ Ask that person how they think you can help.
~ Work collaboratively with the person whilst you can as it is important they still feel in control.
~ If they are unable to make these types of decisions it is then about contact their family, their GP, their treating practitioner if they have one or making contact with the agencies that are qualified to assist in such a situation and can direct you to appropriate clinicians or services.
~ Just sit with the person. This lets them know you are there for them.
~ Listen but don’t force them to speak.
If at any stage someone is stating that they wish to harm themselves or take their own life please take this seriously. It is not for you to determine whether the intent is present. As the saying goes, it is better to be safe than sorry.
Contact emergency services if an immediate risk. If they are responsive to you then get them to their GP, local mental health facility or A & E hospital department
I wish I could tell you the stories and lives of those beautiful people I have come in contact with as a clinician who took their own lives. Beautiful souls they needed more people asking them ” R U ok?”
Please tune in today. To yourself and to others. Let someone know if you are not ok. You don’t have to talk about it. Knowing that someone is there and you are not alone is of benefit and can feel like it lightens your load a little. If you are tuning into someone else and letting them know you have noticed they are not themselves that is fabulous and I am grateful for your perception.
Me, I’m going to ask it today and every day as I normally do when I “feel” the need. I’m also going to let down some of my walls to acknowledge that some days I’m not ok and that is OK.
Immediate contact numbers:
Lifeline on 13 11 14
Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800
National Alcohol and Other Drugs Hotline on 1800 250 015
MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978
Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36
Headspace on 1800 650 890
